Photo by Gemma Evans on Unsplash
(Excerpts from the book essentialism)
Two main reasons why it is hard to say “no”:
We are unclear about what is essential. If you are not very clear on the most important priorities for yourself, you become defenseless which means it becomes difficult to find a reason to say “no”
Feeling of social awkwardness and pressure: We are wired to get along with others. We feel guilty of saying “no”, we don’t want to let someone down and we are worried about damaging the relationship. Confirming to a group is a matter of survival when we were hunter-gatherers. But saying “no” is no longer a life or death situation but unfortunately, the desire is still deeply ingrained in us.
The thing to remember is people respect and admire those with the courage to say no. In the short term, your popularity in the group suffers but in the long term, you gain a lot of respect. Choosing respect over popularity is always a good trade-off. When we push back effectively, it shows people that our time is highly valuable. It distinguishes the professional from the amateur.
Separate the decision from the relationship:
When people ask us to do something, we can confuse the request with our relationship with them. We forget that denying the request is not the same as denying the person. We can make a clear decision with courage and compassion only if we can separate the decision from the relationship.
7 graceful ways to say “No”
Take an awkward pause:
When a request comes to you, just pause for a moment. Own the awkward silence and use it as a tool. Count to three before delivering your verdict.
The soft “No” (or the “no” but):
You can say no without using the word no. For example, “I am consumed doing X :). But I would love to help you once X is finished”.
Let me check my calendar and get back to you:
This phrase gives you time to pause and reflect and ultimately reply that you are regretfully unavailable. This lets you take control of your own decisions rather than being rushed into a “yes”.
Say “Yes. What should I de-prioritize?”:
Saying no to a senior leader is almost unthinkable for many people. One effective way is to remind your superiors what you would be neglecting if you said yes and force them to grapple with the trade-off. For example, “Yes, I’m happy to make this the priority. Which of these other projects/tasks should I de-prioritize to pay attention to this new project/task?”
Say it with humor:
It is always good to add some humor and be pleasant as you say “no”. It makes it easy to take no for the receiver.
I am unable to do X, but I am willing to do Y:
You are communicating what you will not do and what you are willing to do. This is a good way especially when you cannot throw your full weight behind the request.
I can’t do it, but X might be interested:
It’s tempting to think our help is uniquely invaluable, but often people requesting something don’t really care if we’re the ones who help them - as long as they get the help.
The key to success is to put 100% of your energy into the things that are most meaningful and essential. Learning to say “no” will help that goal in a great way.